I reread my last entry tonight, and it made me realize that despite the fact I feel "normal" most of the time, having random extreme moments of self-disgust is not normal at all. Perhaps I need some counseling, but I heard that the one here in my university is pretty shitty, but maybe I'll give it a try. However, my roommate went to the Counseling Center here not too long ago, and she was pretty ambivalent about her experience, so I don't know what to do...

And to everyone who took the time to read my entry, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It really means a lot to me.

A letter to a friend that I may send. I don't know for certain why I started writing this, but it has certainly been a bit cathartic. Letter is below.

Are you sure you want to hang out tomorrow night? I'm not saying this out of misplaced anger or resentment, but as a way not to wreck our friendship more than the weak state that it is in now. I want you to make it clear to you that I realize I have a big problem. Thanks to my scathing attitude I have destroyed valuable friendships in my life: you, Joe, Fenit, and who knows how many others. And once I decided that I was in the wrong, it was already too late to repair the damage I have caused.

In all of these friendships, whenever we fought heatedly, I would say "I don't want to speak to you ever again", even when I believed deep down, at that very moment, that that was what I wanted and what I thought was the best course of action. However, after months had passed and I cooled down and thought things over, I realized that that decision was possibly the worst that I could have ever done. Now, I have to live with my mistakes and try not to make the same ones in order not to lose more cherished friends. I'm stopping this because I know if I continue I will only have heartache and regret (like the great majority of last year).

My point is that I have a lot of work ahead of me. No, I can't change from one day to the next. I can't "stop being a bitch" that quickly. This will take a long time. This characteristic has been ingrained in me for the longest time. My highly aggressive streak was born inside me as an escape mechanism that would help me out in circumstances that I didn't like. Instead of tackling problems head-on, I've always tried to run away from situations that could have been salvageable had I not lashed out like a lion. I'm not entirely certain how I can make it go away, or at least keep it under control, but it is affecting my life and the people I interact with. It's hard to change such a core part of my personality.

But I know I can do it. Believe it or not, I was much worse in high school. My aggression and stubbornness were the principal characteristics people most commonly associated me with. Hell, I broke someone's finger because they teased me. However, as much as you think I'm bad right now, I'm much better than how I was. I'm not a depressive mess like I was in my high school days, but the same old coping mechanisms still remain. So that leads me to think that I can overcome this and mature as a whole...eventually. I think I just need more time.

Even as hard as I may hope and hope and hope, I know the friendships I have lost won't return to how they were because of my actions. I know Fenit and Joe will never consider me a close friend anymore, jut a mere acquaintance, or much less than that. And you know what, I don't blame them. Not one bit. Nor do I blame you for keeping me at an arm's distance. I'd do it too if I were in your position, or the position I have put other people in. It's only natural that when I wish other people not to speak to me again, they would pull away and think I, and our friendship, was a waste of their time. Cutting away all ties of attachment serves as a way not to get hurt by me anymore. As you said, how could you or other people trust me that I won't get angry at them tomorrow? You are probably right in this assessment. I can't promise you that I won't get mad at some point or another; at least not in the present time. Arguments really bring out my ugly side, as you and some other have seen more than you should have.  

What I'm trying to get at is that maybe I need some time to get my head straight before I see you again. I don't want to ruin the last of the fragile friendship we have left, and there's a chance of that happening if we continue to hang out at the present time. While now I'm trying to think before I act or speak, I'm still going to mess up and make mistakes. And usually when I make mistakes, my "bitchy" side comes out and I don't want that anymore. It has cost me way, way too much.

But I want to tell you what I couldn't tell the others before it was too late:

Your friendship does mean a lot to me, and so do you.

Tell me your thoughts. Hopefully I didn't come across as too ridiculous or melodramatic.

-Patty

Last January, I broke off with my best friend. This January, I keep hearing about friends, close friends who've been together through thick and thing, splitting apart as well. And last night, my roommate broke off with her closest friend as well due to a multitude of problems mostly because of his indecisiveness.

This really saddens me. I wish life was more fair sometimes.

I always feel like absolute shit about it.

I attended a candlelight vigil for all the 13 victims of the Binghamton shooting today; even though I didn't know anyone who died, it was still an extremely saddening event. Among one of the victims was a graduate student, and a a girl who applied to Binghamton university and was going to attend this fall... :( I really do hate when people's lives are cut so short...

Oh and I got interviewed for FOX 40 news and appeared on TV talking about the massacre. I looked really bad, haha.

This year isn't going so well for me; there are several reasons such as struggling with college, trying not to go insane about the drama in my hallway, wondering if my family is doing okay in Bolivia, and feeling very disconnected overall, I'm starting to lose quite a few good friends. If this is just the beginning, I do wonder what the rest of the year has in store...

I had broken ties with Fenit and Joe, but now I'm also breaking ties with Emil... And while I think it's for the best since I don't think they honestly cared for me, nor our friendship, it still hurts. I keep constantly thinking if I made the right decision, wondering if I had been blinded by my own muddled emotions, and just doubting myself in general...

While talking about this, my friend gave me this quote:

"Sometimes you find your destiny and friendship on the road you took to avoid it."

*sigh*

I'm sorry if this entry is a bit (or very) incoherent. It's 6:31 AM and I haven't gotten any sleep, and I won't sleep because of this strange situation that happened in my room... To summarize it, and without going into too many details, two friends had been cuddling in the room, things kind of progressed from there, and then another friend came into the room (who is the ex-girlfriend of one of the people cuddling there), the people cuddling pretended that nothing was going on, and the other friend got really angry that she was being deceived that nothing happened. Yeah, I think that's pretty much what just happened just a couple of hours ago.

I have realized how alienated I feel from my peers at times. Apart from not being able to feel awkwardness (or feeling it very rarely), my overwhelming trust in people is really being tested here ever since I came to the USA (I've made an old entry about this subject before).

I love all the friends I made on this floor...but there is one thing that I've noticed is that the main source of conflict in my floor is the lack of openness in the interactions that I see. People aren't truthful...people hide their real opinions....it's starting to make me feel sad. I'm more like the neutral observer, I try to see both sides in everything now, but everyone tiptoes around each other in order to avoid drama, but it makes all their actions around each other fake (or not entirely truthful). I guess in a way this entry is hypocritical since, in essence, everyone is hypocritical but...I just don't know. It's really like being in some sort of masquerade in which people never truly show themselves, but their masks only.

I'm...more like a carefree child that tries to openly embrace the world around her, but not truly knowing what exactly is going on. Due to this, I can be a very immature person, and I often feel confused by some human interactions.

I think I'm going to end this entry now before my sleep-dazed mind wanders off even more...

Please ignore my post a few days back. Some friendships are not meant to last...and Fenit is a very painful example.

I can no longer be friends with someone who no longer cares, nor values, me in the slightest bit and who considers me a mere burden.

That is all I have to say.

I have always been a trusting person, but after coming here to the United States, I have suffered just one disappointment after another. That is not to say that in Bolivia I did not find people like that, but for some reason this is happening at a more frequent rate here. I am tired of two-faced people, bullshitters, hypocrites...all individuals saying/acting one way towards me, but actually holding an opinion of me directly opposite to what their interactions are supposed to mean. I do not understand why, and I never will. This wouldn't affect me as much if it were only acquaintances who are doing this, but I'm finding out that close friends are as well, which is why I'm so frustrated and saddened.

This is not to say that I have lost my trust in people, or that those friends won't regain my trust again, but right now I'm severely shaken.

Ugh...I really hate having to say goodbye. I'm going to miss so many people.

Bolivia is the place I stayed  for the longest amount of time (almost 9 years), and though I hate many things about it, I'm seriously sad about leaving my friends and family behind.

Still, this is for the best.

Two days to go. :O

I need a hug. :(

My best friend, Agnes, left for England to study Business Administration and I don't know when/if I'll see her again. ='(

*sigh* I miss her already.

Urgh...my stitches were taken out today. I really want to crawl into some corner and die. x_x

Hopefully you guys have a better Christmas than the one I'm having.

So I got my SAT scores today.

...

460 in Math.

*bursts into tears*

Damn, maybe I should give up...

But in happier news, my brother didn't fail his sophomore year!!!! :D He'll still have to go to summer school for Physics, Chemistry and Physical Education, but that's better than repeating the year again. *sighs in relief*

I did so badly in my Math SAT...dammit, I really feel like crying at the moment. Sure I'm going to retake it again in December but I feel like  a total failure now. That plus some other personal problems has made me feel more depressed that I have been in a very long time.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who wished me luck. It really means a lot. <3

I'm really worried about my brother. He has a very high chance of failing and repeating his sophomore year if his grades don't pick up...but the thing is, the school year is going to end in less than 2 weeks... My parents, the guidance counselor and I have tried talking to him, but nothing seems to get through to him...I tried to tutor him in Biology (since I'm good at it) but he failed the midterm exam...He also has a tutor for Physics and Math, but he's still doing badly.

I want to help him, but I just don't know how. =(

Well, like the title says, Fenit has broken up with me again ;(

God, this really sucks. *sighs*

So, I have a question:

For those who have called things off, or been dumped, have you felt it possible to be friends with your ex?

I think most answers might be negative but I want to know for sure.

A boy from my school has been kidnapped.

He was waiting in front of the freaking school gates (where the hell did the guards go?) when a suspicious car stopped right next to him and then an unindentified group of men took him in and sped off.

All of this happened on Wednesday, and I only found about it today by an e-mail from his parents, pleading to everyone for any information about his whereabouts. Not surprisingly, our school has remained tight-lipped about it (like the clown incident I mentioned a few entries back). Damn cowards...

I just hope he comes back safe and sound. =(

I wish I hadn't been so expressive.

I wish I hadn't been so idealistic.

I wish I hadn't fallen in love.

That is all.